Day 65b: time

We don’t allow time for ourselves to mourn. to feel. to be sad.
maybe we’re all still at a mental age of 8 years even if we’re 25.
Living in such an “insta” world, it doesn’t matter if we live longer if we are not living.

 

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Day 65:

a few years ago on this day, I was baptized. Made anew through the Holy Spirit.

Today. I ignore the Holy Spirit often and I lack in my prayer life.

Through discussion with my mother about who I am.
I am someone who does not like to join cliques. Talking to a classmate as I shared with her my next steps of repeating clinical, she shared with me the same emotions of the amount of clique-y groups in our cohort. Philippines, whites that only sticks with whites, more philippino, brown, chinese, CBC, and then the loose bits; us.

I like variety. From what I eat to who I hang out with, I enjoy variety and that’s just who I am.

My mother too was someone who did not enjoy joining cliques and was more comfortable working on her own. That’s just who we are. But is that enough to live in this society? It’s tough… but yah. Especially nursing where teamwork is vital..hm. yah

I need to really pass the second round of this semester two clinical. In the meantime, I will look into unregulated health care work, care aide, and elective(s) I can take during the summer so I’m not just stuck here. I need to move on and carry on.

I only hope that I don’t totally lose my trust from my mother. I’m not only proving to myself but also to her as well. She’s my supporter but she needs to know what she is supporting has a chance of succeeding. Fair enough. I get it. And she has the right to.

– crashingout.

 

Day 64:

ok. I failed 2213. It was a rough rough day where I just broke down and had a panic attack. This will probably be a trauma to me.

my choices are: a) break down, give up. b) move on. change and improve. be better.

march 31.2018. Let me not forget the emotions.  I cannot tell if what I got was support or was it a trap. I kept falling. The situation kept snowballing. It was a mess. Perhaps it was just a big door revealing the big truth within me. The fact that my knowledge base was so weak.

So. I have accepted that I will be repeating semester 2 clinical again. My goal right now is to work hard on my classes in school so I don’t have to repeat those ones. I hope to simply repeat clinical in the fall and move on to semester 3 by 2019. I hope to still graduate before 2020 ends.

Things have been delayed. Doubts have been delivered.

Am I meant to be a nurse…? Does God just simply want me to be stronger in who I am as a nurse? Is this His way of showing me mercy? Is this grace that I can get a second chance? Perhaps.

Tears could only get me so far. Let’s keep grinding. 🙂

– crashing out.

Day 61:

Constant battles.

External ones: down down down.
Internal ones: still within me. constantly shaking me and trying to push me down.

I keep praying and praying and praying.
I pray for this trembling heart to be stable. literally and figuratively.

my mental health is affecting my physical health and it is worrisome. It is terrifying.

my lacking…is enormous.

Let’s do this one moment at a time to get through the day.
one day at a time to get through this semester.
one semester at a time to get through this program.

crashing out.