Day 64:

ok. I failed 2213. It was a rough rough day where I just broke down and had a panic attack. This will probably be a trauma to me.

my choices are: a) break down, give up. b) move on. change and improve. be better.

march 31.2018. Let me not forget the emotions.  I cannot tell if what I got was support or was it a trap. I kept falling. The situation kept snowballing. It was a mess. Perhaps it was just a big door revealing the big truth within me. The fact that my knowledge base was so weak.

So. I have accepted that I will be repeating semester 2 clinical again. My goal right now is to work hard on my classes in school so I don’t have to repeat those ones. I hope to simply repeat clinical in the fall and move on to semester 3 by 2019. I hope to still graduate before 2020 ends.

Things have been delayed. Doubts have been delivered.

Am I meant to be a nurse…? Does God just simply want me to be stronger in who I am as a nurse? Is this His way of showing me mercy? Is this grace that I can get a second chance? Perhaps.

Tears could only get me so far. Let’s keep grinding. 🙂

– crashing out.

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Day 61:

Constant battles.

External ones: down down down.
Internal ones: still within me. constantly shaking me and trying to push me down.

I keep praying and praying and praying.
I pray for this trembling heart to be stable. literally and figuratively.

my mental health is affecting my physical health and it is worrisome. It is terrifying.

my lacking…is enormous.

Let’s do this one moment at a time to get through the day.
one day at a time to get through this semester.
one semester at a time to get through this program.

crashing out.

Day 59:

I continue to be awe how strong some people’s will power and discipline in life can be. In comparison to me…I am such a failure in this that I can even mistype failure. lol.

Life.

Am i making this more difficult for myself when I can make it easy and simply work as an office assistant for my entire life or take charge of mom’s business. That would be much simpler than what I have decided on: nursing school.

I lack discipline, will, leadership, knowledge, organization, time-management. How am I suppose to become someone with those characteristics because we know nurses need all those yet I do not own them. What to do?

– Fake it till you make it? I really cannot live with that sort of slogan. That is not me. Yet, I’m affected mentally. I miss clinical hours because I need healing yet I don’t. I don’t even know what type of healing I need.

push push push. to fight on. – Can I? 能嗎?

Is it in God’s will for me…?

– Crashing out.

Day 58:

to keep in my memory bank.

An old story. I went to A&W. What I got as change was like a one pound worth of loose change worth 10$. That day, I was very unhappy and had ranted to my sister about the rage I had. It was an angry night.

Back to today.
The lady obviously had enough change in our cash box. The cost was 4.78. I gave her a 10 note and 3 quarters in hopes of getting a five and loonie. She gave me a five note and was planning to give me a loonie when she asked if I had changed for a 5$ so I went looking at my wallet to count the coins for her when she just took a loonie from me and gave me many loose change for it instead. I told her I didn’t want all these coins and she just shrugged and ignored me. I was so baffled and annoyed but I did not want to make such a big deal over something so small.

So I sat down and had my meal but was getting angry at myself for letting once again, another person at A&W treat me like I was nothing. I had my meal while contemplating whether I should approach her and talk to her. As I got up, I decided that I should or else I would be even more angry at myself. I went up to her and said, I want my loonie back and gave her back her coins. She initially feign ignorance and I made it more clear that I wanted the loonie and that I had never wanted all the loose change in the first place. I told her that she was really disrespectful to me and that she should not do that to anyone. She then said she would open the drawer for me when the next customer came to order and I initially agreed with her. However, as I realized, there was NO customers and I was not going to wait another 5 minutes. So I spoke up again and said, no, I don’t have time to wait. And so she and another worker talked in their own language and she finally got her coworker to open this dollar up. I told that other coworker that this had been a bad experience for me and such and I got my loonie back.

To be truthful, this was honestly a terrifying experience for me. I am not someone who likes to confront people and explain what the problem was and show them how they were wrong. Especially people I don’t know. If it was someone I was close to and care enough for them to truly understand the whole situation, I would have no problem doing so because I care about our relationship enough.

To do this in a public setting took a large amount of courage to do so…but I am glad I did. I do not want to forget today’s event and I hope to bring this with me as I continue life.

It got me thinking: I do not want to continue being stepped on by others & If I don’t fight for myself, who will? & who else is she doing this to – disregarding them. & this was $1. – what else is she applying this mindset to? & am I doing this to other people too? – disregarding them?

I’m sure I have done it before. & now, I know how it feels.

I pray that I can continue to grow and change. To grow in strength and to change in love.

I can see why there are so many human advocators. Once you feel so strong about something, you do not stop and you fight on.

– crashing out.