Day 70:

We’re reaching closer to the 100 milestone. FINALLY.

lol.

My incapability of being with the crowd. I dislike noisy crowds. Have I been heavily scarred???

Even if I’m with a group of “friends”, i feel like scandals can be formed…
So when V told me that she finds it hard to be an introvert, I go on and reflect on how difficult it is for me to be an extrovert.

I can try, but it drains me. I enjoy it…but it drains me and I often crash as all my fear and negativity builds up after these socials. One on Ones are good for me. They strengthen me – most of the time. However, when there is more than one, it’s tough. & i hate that I am like this. I don’t wish to be this way. What’s wrong with me? I dont know.

:T

Been fan-girling over u-know yunho. lol. He looks cool and harden..and perhaps over all the events during his life as a celebrity, maybe he had. however, he still has a sweet laughter, a kind smile, and a spirit full of passion and determination; good traits that I too want to follow. hmm.

– crashingout.

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Day 69

wow.
as of now, what i find most attractive is when someone is independent.

through our conversation over yummy korean food at tabom, M & I was talking about what the limit of dating someone younger than us. As we talked more and I reflected on younger guys, I realized that even though I may be attracted to them, I could not think of them any further than that. While thinking why that was, I realized that I needed someone who is independent and is capable of surviving on their own.

Upon recognition of this, I realized that I really don’t like anyone so far and even the one that I thought perhaps I may like, it was only because they are “independent”.

le sigh.

Am i never going to date and get married if my standard was simply that. Hopefully this is temporary…and I could go on and meet awesome people who also loves God AND is a independent person. That would be quite ideal. 🙂

Met with my bew jehhhh today ❤ happy to see that she’s alive and relyin on God.

– crashingout.

Day 68:

To wake up daily and:
– be thankful for each new day & the breaths we can take & awake.
(hopefully i can also bring that attitude to my sleeping habits as well)
– reminded of my goals:
1. complete something. especially something important: finishing school; nursing school
2. bring this to the perspective of the end-stage: to do all things in the glory of God’s name & will.  (whether I am correct, that I can’t say for sure)
– finally: I need my Lord, my Jesus, my Christ, my Saviour, my God, my Holy Spirit in all I do to truly and fully live. 
– crashingout.

Day 67:

Good to remember some good and awesome instructors:
– those who encourage you to fight for your own education & rights
– those who are wiling to find ways to support you: give you realistic alternatives & prepare you for the worst just in case.
For the honesty that she brought with her, I was thankful and i hope that I too can bring that to my own kids as I meet them at their level.

Even kids at gr.5 deal with grief & pain in their own way. They can deal it with anger, frustration, hopelessness. It’s their way of dealing with it and the best I can do is respect them for it while caring that their well beings are met.

So now I’m left with thoughts of today.

There are two location that I find difficult to enter.
1. that home.
2. that school.

– crashingout.

Day 66

There are often words or phrases that I want to remember.

Instructors who goes: I only want you to succeed.

but reality, are they?

I mean, bigger pictures, yes they are. But at that moment of evaluation, are you really? Why does it not feel like so?

My clinical group came up with a i guess complain letter and submitted it to the dean regarding our clinical instructor who made this trip a lot more difficult than it needed to be. However, I am sort of wondering if that was the correct move now. I don’t quite know but at that time, it did.

Mino & Winner: Have a nice day
A song written for his friend who passed away from a car accident.
“If I had known that was the last time, I would have said good-bye”
So often we don’t get to say the proper good byes to people who have passed away. How much pain does that bring to someone? A song that tells their loved one to have a nice day in heaven. That only works if that person had been accepted to heaven (the utopia while awaiting the final judgement). But…and it had been eating at me for the longest time. When my uncle was still here…mom said I should work harder to share the gospel to him and let him see how alive Jesus is…yet I didn’t. The only thing i was able to do was justify why his kids were going to church. I was being selfish and greedy. During the time that he was still here, I wanted him to be with me. All those years of not living with him and him always at work, and then him sick, I just wanted to be in his presence. But instead, if he did not accepted Jesus…then that means I will never see him again.

This morning, I was mourning for all the different types of death. Cancerous, accidental, intentional, suicidal, unfair. – but i should be thankful for the peaceful ones too…but it just seems that the number of those are quite out numbered…& it aches my heart.

Been watching BoA on #Keyword. This hardworking girl at the age of 12? 15? Where does she get all that flame from? God? Greed? Strong desires? hm. I’m envious of that continuous fire. I have not even done 1/10th of what she has accomplished. I’m trying hard not to compare, but that’s difficult.

– crashingout.

Day 65b: time

We don’t allow time for ourselves to mourn. to feel. to be sad.
maybe we’re all still at a mental age of 8 years even if we’re 25.
Living in such an “insta” world, it doesn’t matter if we live longer if we are not living.

 

Day 65:

a few years ago on this day, I was baptized. Made anew through the Holy Spirit.

Today. I ignore the Holy Spirit often and I lack in my prayer life.

Through discussion with my mother about who I am.
I am someone who does not like to join cliques. Talking to a classmate as I shared with her my next steps of repeating clinical, she shared with me the same emotions of the amount of clique-y groups in our cohort. Philippines, whites that only sticks with whites, more philippino, brown, chinese, CBC, and then the loose bits; us.

I like variety. From what I eat to who I hang out with, I enjoy variety and that’s just who I am.

My mother too was someone who did not enjoy joining cliques and was more comfortable working on her own. That’s just who we are. But is that enough to live in this society? It’s tough… but yah. Especially nursing where teamwork is vital..hm. yah

I need to really pass the second round of this semester two clinical. In the meantime, I will look into unregulated health care work, care aide, and elective(s) I can take during the summer so I’m not just stuck here. I need to move on and carry on.

I only hope that I don’t totally lose my trust from my mother. I’m not only proving to myself but also to her as well. She’s my supporter but she needs to know what she is supporting has a chance of succeeding. Fair enough. I get it. And she has the right to.

– crashingout.