Day 66

There are often words or phrases that I want to remember.

Instructors who goes: I only want you to succeed.

but reality, are they?

I mean, bigger pictures, yes they are. But at that moment of evaluation, are you really? Why does it not feel like so?

My clinical group came up with a i guess complain letter and submitted it to the dean regarding our clinical instructor who made this trip a lot more difficult than it needed to be. However, I am sort of wondering if that was the correct move now. I don’t quite know but at that time, it did.

Mino & Winner: Have a nice day
A song written for his friend who passed away from a car accident.
“If I had known that was the last time, I would have said good-bye”
So often we don’t get to say the proper good byes to people who have passed away. How much pain does that bring to someone? A song that tells their loved one to have a nice day in heaven. That only works if that person had been accepted to heaven (the utopia while awaiting the final judgement). But…and it had been eating at me for the longest time. When my uncle was still here…mom said I should work harder to share the gospel to him and let him see how alive Jesus is…yet I didn’t. The only thing i was able to do was justify why his kids were going to church. I was being selfish and greedy. During the time that he was still here, I wanted him to be with me. All those years of not living with him and him always at work, and then him sick, I just wanted to be in his presence. But instead, if he did not accepted Jesus…then that means I will never see him again.

This morning, I was mourning for all the different types of death. Cancerous, accidental, intentional, suicidal, unfair. – but i should be thankful for the peaceful ones too…but it just seems that the number of those are quite out numbered…& it aches my heart.

Been watching BoA on #Keyword. This hardworking girl at the age of 12? 15? Where does she get all that flame from? God? Greed? Strong desires? hm. I’m envious of that continuous fire. I have not even done 1/10th of what she has accomplished. I’m trying hard not to compare, but that’s difficult.

– crashingout.


Day 52: live

Live. Live Life.

It is heartbreaking to see people you love in pain while there is nothing you can do. It pains me to watch other people i love in pain as they watch the people they love in pain. It is a crazy vicious cycle of thorns being passed on to each other.

Like the story that I heard on the radio. A wasp got into a mom’s pant, and while she was in pain, she pleaded her son to help her. He also received pain while he was trying to help her.

Is our lives not sometimes like that as well? While we help others, we run the risk of hurting ourselves as well! So perhaps we have to be better prepared before helping others. Or, we can choose to not help but get someone who is more skilled to help. Or we may help apply the cream to the bites. – regardless, we can be a part of the story.

Been enjoying a song recently that has been on replay 🙂 I’ll also post the lyrics:

Peter Han – Back in Time
English Version
Netflix: Stranger
aka: Secret Forest
Little me once said
With you I will go to the ends
Of this whole wide world
I thought we’d endure
Our love was strong and pure
Why didn’t we make sure
To put time on hold 
So we could unfold
Have I told you lately 
I’ve been 
Thinking ’bout a time
When you and I were fine
All these thoughts in me
Led us to a place where we
Had nowhere left to hide
Let’s go back in time
When you were mine
Everything we had was magic
Why did we choose instead 
A place of regret
Have I told you lately 
I’ve been 
Thinking ’bout a time
When you and I were fine
All these thoughts in me
Led us to a place where we
Had nowhere left to hide
Let’s go back in time
When you were mine
Everything we had was magic
Why did we choose instead 
A place of regret

Day 51:

it’s close to the end of semester one and I have one more class until i have to go spartan mode on studying for my finals. eeks. only 7 people showed up to our last relational practice class. I woke up at 8:20 but still wanted to show up to prove that i have the heart to show up for class. / i wanted to keep a good impression on my instructor..not sure how much that mattered.

reflection: i went to a counselling meeting to talk about my anxiety. it was nerve wrecking…lol but i went. and cried in front of a stranger lol. talked about how when i met that blockage..that burnt out day.

Oct. 26.17 felt like i had to use every single will power to go into clinical. quote: “i’m having a horrible morning..I’m so tired and feeling so unhappy. Just. Yah. It’s hard right now” @ 5:43am quote: “giving this day to God and letting him push me on cause i have absolutely no will to go forth with today. it’s all on Him.” @5:56.

those were the message i had with the Wus. it took a lot of courage to show my vulnerable side to them. and i was hoping to get some sort of comfort. I got a bit. but at that time, it was of no use to me. I kept praying and praying..but i felt hopeless.

I ended up making lots of mistakes that day. It was my first time working on a patient on my own. 26. my patient was on cytotoxic precaution. she had RA, and chronic COPD, history of pneumonia, and we were confused as she use to use a ceiling lift but they decided that she’s a 2PA. and tbh, she definitely wasn’t. she was tired. i placed the bed pan at the incorrect direction. and i did not have all my supplies ready as i was donning and doffing again and again. so i was not prepared.

then the next week was med for our patients. I was NOT prepared. on the thursday, i called in for diarrhea. but reality, i was just feeling so crazy nervous, i couldn’t move. it’s crazy how nerves take over your life. this anxiety just dragged out and out for 3 entire weeks. it was soul drenching.

At that time, it was dark moments of being away from God too. I think my prayers were empty and …idk. I really can’t properly think where I was with God at that time.

I hope to walk closer to Him. I pray to be walking with him like how I see some people at church are walking with him.

yep yep.

anyways, time to go full study mode on. ><”’

– crashing out. carriehohoho.

Day 49:update

I continue to be amazed by my own procrastination on this blog. It was suppose to be a 100 day blog and it is currently nearing the end of 2017 and I am still barely touching day 50. It is however, very pleasing to be able to view at my previous reflection and they do serve as an encouragement to me. So. quick update. Currently in the nursing program SEMESTER 1!

Ravi Zacharias Remembers His Young Protégé, Nabeel Qureshi

If this page I just posted above continues to work, it is truly a very interesting read passed on by a friend. I pray that I never lose that urge to seek Jesus and to share about the good news!

So just wanted to reflect a little on my first week of clinical before I totally forget.

Week 1:
day1 sept 14/2017. FIRST day and it was mainly orientation. We got to walk around the different departments and got to meet different health care roles such as pharmacy, OT, PT, doctors, nurses, care aids, movers, students that were in other semesters, nurses that use to be my clinical instructors students from many years ago. We were also introduce to where most of the equipments were located at and such but given my lack of direction sense and poor memory, even today, I still had trouble locating items. With the remaining time, we were able to stay in the exercise room and watch patient do a few therapeutic movement that allow the residents to move about. After the exercise class, it was time for lunch and we got to wipe patients hands! 🙂 After that, we got a debrief and was sent home to prepare for our next first day.

day 2 sept 15/2017. It was a bit more official-ish. We again went through our worksheet that included private information about our patients and their conditions and such. These are to be shredded in a confidential manner at the end of the shift. We went through the many short hand form and the potential patient we may want. Next, half of us followed a care aid who was helping patient do bed baths and peri-wash if needed. That day, there was only 1 care-aid but she was a speedy worker even while trying to give us newbies a preview. The awesome thing about my case is I am partnered with someone who was a care aid before the nursing program so that is super useful. The only thing is i Feel so behind and feel so lacking. Hopefully, I use these emotions to further push and improve myself to their level even though it will be hard. My partner is still working a shift currently. O.O daebak *clap clap kiddo* Even though we were unable to do a bed bath on our own that day, I was already feeling overwhelm. Me and my partner decided to do our paired work on a patient who is a little bit more difficult in terms of taking care and is someone who has a little bit more health conditions that we need to be mindful of. We ended the day going through KARDX (sp?) and patient’s health history binder. KARDX binder works as a snapshot binder. It is used to find quick recent information. We also went through another binder that is used to input recent measurements and such. I should really clarify these three binder’s differences. With all these different book-keeping task, no wonder nurses are always busy. Our ward have 1 RN, 3 PN, and usually 2 Care aides. They are all constantly running around and the bell lights never go off. It is constantly ringing and when one is answered, another one starts to ring! Looking forward to the day where I can move smoothly with all these different demands going on.

So I have moved to my coquitlam place officially yesterday! It already feels very different! && I have no internet until Saturday so using school’s internet for now. Gotta do what you gotta do right? right.

Week 2
sept 21/2017 TODAY!
So: woke up around 5:30 since i now live so close! However, I dont feel like that is a good idea as I feel even more tired and unprepared. Was rushing at the parking lot and rushing everything! & I also just got my period. so….yeah. Anways. Continue. So we start the morning off with of course: hand hygiene as I did not mention, hand hygiene is very very important especially in a hospital setting. yep. You dont want to pass anything to your patient, you don’t want to get anything your patient have. Went over the worksheet. Our patient had a fall last Thursday night and is on fall precautions like so many other folks in our unit. However, our patient hurt their head. So we have to be even more mindful.
Right from the get go, our patient who is diabetic, blood glucose read 2.6 which extremely low. Our patient also has many other conditions but this 2.6 was dangerous. Dextrose was assign and only after 5x4mg then another 5x4mg did their readings went back to 6.8 phew.
We had to do bed bath. I went to bed feeling okay since I had watch some videos in the library last night before going home. However, I started feeling like a blank slate. Just like clinical practice. I just. clueless. Was waiting for instructions to do things step by step. It was terrifying and I definitely felt like shit. Useless. Like that child who is waiting for her mom to move her hands and feet. Or like that girl who kept waiting for that uncle to get her a chair as he dropped her in a chinese school class room but never did. She just stood there, with her hands over her eyes and started tearing up. To this day, she does not understand why the teacher did not realize sooner and saved her from all that embarrassment. Being brave…takes courage. Some days, courage is harder to find. Some days, it doesn’t even require courage. My partner did most of the bed bath. Like everything. I just stood there and maybe pulled up a pant or two. It was only when our patient started needing to void did I finally did some sort of peri cleaning. Like just wipe bums. I unfortunately was not prepared for gloves or ready to get the materials since I forgot where things were. So, nts: briefs, garbage bag, caviel wipes: outside patient’s room., toothbrush, toothpaste, kidney basin, urinal, handwipes: equipment room, the other things such as syringes, suction tubes, suction bag, in the other equipment room, the laundry room: clean towels, warm peri-wipes (remember to refill a new one after you use one!/ blue is for shower. purple, can also use), then there is the disposal room: mastiraid machine. step on it! ONLY things that can be broken down into the machine. garbage into garbage. yep yep…. Ok.

^ that was good reflection. My lack of memory. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I improve and work better and be better. I still love the job and although I do feel …quesy as I enter the hospital, I know it is because I am unprepared and lacking. I still have the heart, but maybe a more discipline heart is required to be a good nurse. I need to be properly train. Seeing my partner’s heart and desire and passion to want to do more than the care aid position they have had previously, I am proud and I desire to be just like them. This is the time when I should be putting all my heart and energy on yet I am not quite there yet. This is a gift from God. Last week, I felt like God had spoken to me several time.

As I was driving to school, I kept wondering, what is it that I can do as I desire for this career. Is this the right path? What am I suppose to be aiming for. I kept thinking about the different children that are going through suffering. The people who cannot go home, the people who are forced to migrate and find refugee. What about them? It was at that moment where I felt like I heard him say: take care of them. Care for them. I dont think those were the exact words or perhaps it was. I was too shock.

I also had a few nightmares.

actually had like 3.5 nightmares in my 20 min nap. First one, I had an argument with a friend, MG, about how rude she was so I wasn’t going to drive her home but really, I was waiting for her outside..this took place at the Rupert home , second, I was driving around hasting but suddenly the road stopped and was blocked but I missed it and as I was swerving, the road I was on started to just end as if I was merging into a road but there was no road for me to merge into.. and third, that nothing road then forced me to fall into a lake and I knew I was suppose to roll my window down immediately but my car had no electrical power to push the windows down…& so I was stuck in my car and you know how sometimes you wake up and try to sleep and try to change the dream, well I tried..this time I got the windows down but as I was trying to swim up, my foot was caught by seat matter how hard I tried to shake it, I couldn’t and after many times, I was still at that lake..& I started viewing it 3rd person view and was just thinking how sad it was because no one would pass by and no one knew I had died..

yahhh anyways. study time!


Day 47: reassurance

reassurance = the action of removing someone’s doubts or fears – google

today was one of those days where I feel unsure even when I was correct and in the rights.

somebody was trying to use me to push someone off the cliff – figuratively-ish. However, I was like “NO!” – indirectly.

I felt uncomfortable being placed in that position but as I shared my story today with a good buddy, they gave me reassurance that I needed.
“you did what was right – dont betray your integrity and consciousness for something like that”

my praise-prayer got deleted / never got posted however, I would like to repeat it.
Thank God for giving me opportunity to experience the different type of people. For allowing me to mature and to seek for help when I needed. Thank you for being patient with me and showing me mercy; I am so undeserving of your love yet you still place different people in my life – to show me the reassurance that I needed and that I am not to forget the Christ-like lessons I have been taught. So I thank you and I pray that I can continue to live a life where I am wise in all I do, say, and think.

seems quite appropriate to place Michael Jackson’s classic hit song: Man in the Mirror

Changes start with one; changes starts with me. every emotion I feel in different situation depends on how I see it and how I respond. 

You know that saying..or you may not know: tears are like car wipers, after you cry for whatever had happened to you, you can finally see clearer.

carriehohoho OUT.

Day 46: to be continued…

“to be continued…” – reminds me of watching Pokemon and at the end of every episode at the corner of the last scene where Ash and friends walk towards a sunset, there is this quote.

Isn’t it interesting how often time, we can pick up from where we left off and just continue? This can be applied to friendship as well. BUT, may not apply to all friendships.

Good to be realistic at times. This december was quite kind to me. 2017, please continue to show your grace and kindness. 🙂

Would I ever complete 100 days worth of post? Let’s hope so! 🙂

carriehohoho OUT.

Day 42

imageFirst night without mom. It’s always good to have some time off from people once in awhile. The distance help you cherish the closeness when it is available.

Just finish watching “Transcendence” starring Johnny Depp, Rebecca Hall, & Paul Bettany. I bet there is some awesome paper that analyzes this movie and I would love to read them. I would also like to write it but lack the writing skill to do so. So, I will make a simple list with words that can have a quick description of the thoughts I was having while watching this movie.

  1. technology; it can save and it can kill.
  2. how is humanity using technology? for the greater good? how are they using it now? are they abusing it? or are they still lacking in this? can we use it to “save” the world?
  3. what does it mean to “save” the world.
  4. are we trying to be our own god? are we trying to be other people’s god?
  5. how are we advancing? or are we simply moving backwards? are we striving or dying?
  6. morally right…or not?
  7. greater good? :T

To get rid of all this deeep thinking, I am watching running man 🙂