Day 81: Proverbs 3

Dr. Thema on instagram had one of her post which stated:

Trauma survivors are always preparing for the door to close, for the ball to drop, for disaster to strike. In healing, we learn to experience joy, rest safety.

My first instinct was like, that is so me. Whenever things go too smoothly, I’m just put on a halt…and just waiting for the explosion to happen. This has become such a routine and norm that I almost find comfort in this expected disruption.

However, I read (sped read because getting back into the habit of reading daily has become rather difficult lately but one step at a time!!) Proverbs 3 just now and looking at v.24-26, I was given an answer from God.

V.24-26: When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be by your side and will keep your foot from being snared.

It is a comfort. So with that, thank you God.

– crashing out for now! 🙂

 

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Day 80:

Proverbs Chapter 1.
V.7: The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Acknowledging God.

First thing first right?

– Crashing out

 

Day 79:

Ah…this is taking way too long!!

21 more post ==

In the meantime, i’m thinking of creating another blog..maybe one that is more public and has a bit more focused themes.
I was thinking of:
1. drama recaps – help my summarizing skills and make my drama time a bit more productive and less of a waste of time-ish. like getting something out of it
2. food post – i mean, i eat…and i take pictures of my food already so might as well?
3. travel related post – things i have seen or wanting to see. – again, just putting my thoughts into words…something I have trouble doing.
4. growth post – similar to what I have already been attempting to do here but perhaps something that is a bit more public again. this 100 day blog has been a great hideaway place, a place where I know I would come back when I need.
5. perhaps books I have read – a motivator for myself to read again. I haven’t read for pleasure in a very long time and I do miss it. I do feel a that my decreased ability to word things is related to my decreased reading.

all in all, once again, I hope a blog can be something I commit to..and stick to.

Time to think of blog themes + name ! 🙂

crashing out for now!

Day 78:

I’m pretty certain my mother has bipolar depression.

& if only asian culture is so full of stigma over mental health…then perhaps we can get official diagnosis.

Somewhere I heard compared mental health to diabetes. You have it…and you’ll have to do certain things.
1) diagnose
2) treat it: control it via non-medical formats or via medical formats.

But, because mental health is so not talked about and carries so much shame which results to this health issue so “unknown”… that those who DO HAVE mental illness are left alone with little to no support.

So what can I do? How can I remain sane in all of this?
Some days are harder than others. Today has been tough but God is good and gracious and merciful to me.

Some things I will be working on as I live through this with mom.
1) educate myself about bipolar & depression
2) self-care: exercise, eat well, keep my support system close-by, watch out for my spiritual health
3) awareness: creating awareness within my family & with my community
4) prayer: strength, perseverance, patience, love, endurance

crashing out
Carrie

day 76:

discovery:

bullet journal!
Had kbbq with mellllll & linda last night. Good chat. We’re so different! haha.
L: 20, smallest, innocent.
M: 29, oldest, minimalist, passionate.
C: 25, middle, curious, & lazy. hahahaha

Was so exhausted today..crappy day at YVR.

Honestly debating… should i keep this job or not? Not quite ready to let go just yet…but so many signs to let go.
1. right when i got the job, so many disapproval: mom, hannah, gloria, abi.
2. mom’s continuous dislike for this job.
3. exhaustion.
4. even though i like my crew…it’s a gossip fest. & not everyone has the same work ethic. but that’s anywhere!
& i hate the hierarchy world. Our pay is not too off from one another, but i dislike the fact that there is this invisible seniority type of respect we need to give to those whose position is higher than ours. ex. SA, KH, Sups, managers.
What would it look at a health care setting. student nurse, new nurse, senior nurse, specialty nurses, docs. How do I handle that?
At least as of now, I see these people as my teachers, those who are suppose to give me guidance but at the same time, my teammates. However, I could also see how it can turn into this messy hierarchy event as well in a hospital. Need to work on humbling myself.
(may i simply blame it on  my period for all these emotions? perhaps i would.)
5. takes up my time. With work in “the way”, I am more limited in what I can do with my life. In addition to the slight obligation to help out with our family business, plus this job, i am quite limited with reviewing for this upcoming semester PLUS all the distracting things that I am already doing: drama, movies, hang out, sleep (i sleep a lot!!), follow winner, variety shows, etc…
6. Feeling of helplessness of how unfair this society is. Some could afford 15,000 dollar bags, even lower ones such as 75$ bags. Yet, that can be some people’s meal cost for the entire week or even month/s! This frustrates me. & I am contributing to this system by persuading others to participate in it. Going back to the horrible cycle of: rich gets richer, middle and lower class remains or even goes lower and feeds the rich and their little rich ones who grows up thinking that this is the norm.
segway: this goes to the topic Mary and I had. What if the person had only known this lifestyle for the entire life. are they really in the wrong? Even after they are aware of this situation that their perspective of the world is not the same for everyone else, and if they continue to live the “luxury” lifestyle, are they wrong?
imo, i believe that if you are aware…we need to do something. but…the question is, what do we do to be a real change?

I’ve recent been listening to a 3 part pod cast that talks about the topic, white saviour syndrome. It resolves around the topic that “poor countries” such as Africa, Asia, Southeast Asia do not need someone to save them. That they (the whites) need to acknowledge that they have actually been the problem and have not actually been helping with the much needed progress for the country that these organization claims to be saving/helping. What seems to be ways to solve this problem is:
1. acknowledge that such a problem occurs
2. don’t be a part of the problem.
i) don’t participate in such mission (ex. create a water well for the summer)
ii) don’t be silent about the problem
iii) support the local people instead of supporting organization that works simply as a 3rd party
3. ask yourself why you are going on such a  mission
4. ask yourself, are you doing what you want to do on that mission at your own local settings? are you supporting your own community?
5. create a platform for others to speak. shut up when you need to. listen when spoken to.

tired of blogging. peace out for now.

crashing out!

Day 75:

When you get ask: what is your calling.

Currently:

working on being trained:
– willpower (there’s a daily limit: so use it wisely)
– discipline
– how to be a teacher
– how to be a student
– how to care for others
– how to love others
– how to be loved by others
– how to trust others
– how to receive trust from others
– how to be a nurse