Day 50

it’s amazing how different my view of importance is once I have started to shift my being into a health care environment. Most things that was once important to me such as how annoying my aunt was is so minimal. What business success someone had, it seems indifferent to me when my education and my clinical practice is about a breathing living person. Even when I come home, no one seems to understand me. I want to talk about these experience and how much it has impacted my life but no one can relate to me…and it’s tough.

I want to record these stories that I have met.

So our second patient is a lady who have had many surgeries within her lifetime. You could see all the surgery scars on her legs and other parts of her body. Her view of the health care system is disappointment. She feel that people only see her illness and the procedures that needs to be done. For example, someone who needs a sample of her blood simply needs her blood and have no care whether it hurts her, how she feels about getting her blood drawn, whether she says “no more”. After so many cries, she is not heard and she is angry about that and she has the right to be angry with this. It is her body, her blood, her. It pained me and I was glad that my partner and I got to be a part of her life…no actually. I’m glad she was part of our life. She definitely gave me a new perspective. For example, we need to do our safety check and general survey right at the start of our shift even if she is unaware or tired; we must do the best assessment we can so we can compare differences that show up. That was our newbie mistake and I sure hope we don’t do that again. BUT. However we treat our patient, we must treat them as human beings.

Second Lady: use to be a nurse. dealing with ALS ><‘ yeah. deteriorating very quickly and it’s very heart breaking…

3rd man: language barrier.it’s tough. dementia ><‘ polish. stubborn man who keeps taking the pillow out when we prevent him from crossing his legs.

yeah. feeling better now.

 

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Day 49:update

I continue to be amazed by my own procrastination on this blog. It was suppose to be a 100 day blog and it is currently nearing the end of 2017 and I am still barely touching day 50. It is however, very pleasing to be able to view at my previous reflection and they do serve as an encouragement to me. So. quick update. Currently in the nursing program SEMESTER 1!

Ravi Zacharias Remembers His Young Protégé, Nabeel Qureshi

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2017/september-web-only/ravi-zacharias-nabeel-qureshi-apologist-rzim.html

If this page I just posted above continues to work, it is truly a very interesting read passed on by a friend. I pray that I never lose that urge to seek Jesus and to share about the good news!

So just wanted to reflect a little on my first week of clinical before I totally forget.

Week 1:
day1 sept 14/2017. FIRST day and it was mainly orientation. We got to walk around the different departments and got to meet different health care roles such as pharmacy, OT, PT, doctors, nurses, care aids, movers, students that were in other semesters, nurses that use to be my clinical instructors students from many years ago. We were also introduce to where most of the equipments were located at and such but given my lack of direction sense and poor memory, even today, I still had trouble locating items. With the remaining time, we were able to stay in the exercise room and watch patient do a few therapeutic movement that allow the residents to move about. After the exercise class, it was time for lunch and we got to wipe patients hands! 🙂 After that, we got a debrief and was sent home to prepare for our next first day.

day 2 sept 15/2017. It was a bit more official-ish. We again went through our worksheet that included private information about our patients and their conditions and such. These are to be shredded in a confidential manner at the end of the shift. We went through the many short hand form and the potential patient we may want. Next, half of us followed a care aid who was helping patient do bed baths and peri-wash if needed. That day, there was only 1 care-aid but she was a speedy worker even while trying to give us newbies a preview. The awesome thing about my case is I am partnered with someone who was a care aid before the nursing program so that is super useful. The only thing is i Feel so behind and feel so lacking. Hopefully, I use these emotions to further push and improve myself to their level even though it will be hard. My partner is still working a shift currently. O.O daebak *clap clap kiddo* Even though we were unable to do a bed bath on our own that day, I was already feeling overwhelm. Me and my partner decided to do our paired work on a patient who is a little bit more difficult in terms of taking care and is someone who has a little bit more health conditions that we need to be mindful of. We ended the day going through KARDX (sp?) and patient’s health history binder. KARDX binder works as a snapshot binder. It is used to find quick recent information. We also went through another binder that is used to input recent measurements and such. I should really clarify these three binder’s differences. With all these different book-keeping task, no wonder nurses are always busy. Our ward have 1 RN, 3 PN, and usually 2 Care aides. They are all constantly running around and the bell lights never go off. It is constantly ringing and when one is answered, another one starts to ring! Looking forward to the day where I can move smoothly with all these different demands going on.

So I have moved to my coquitlam place officially yesterday! It already feels very different! && I have no internet until Saturday so using school’s internet for now. Gotta do what you gotta do right? right.

Week 2
sept 21/2017 TODAY!
So: woke up around 5:30 since i now live so close! However, I dont feel like that is a good idea as I feel even more tired and unprepared. Was rushing at the parking lot and rushing everything! & I also just got my period. so….yeah. Anways. Continue. So we start the morning off with of course: hand hygiene as I did not mention, hand hygiene is very very important especially in a hospital setting. yep. You dont want to pass anything to your patient, you don’t want to get anything your patient have. Went over the worksheet. Our patient had a fall last Thursday night and is on fall precautions like so many other folks in our unit. However, our patient hurt their head. So we have to be even more mindful.
Right from the get go, our patient who is diabetic, blood glucose read 2.6 which extremely low. Our patient also has many other conditions but this 2.6 was dangerous. Dextrose was assign and only after 5x4mg then another 5x4mg did their readings went back to 6.8 phew.
We had to do bed bath. I went to bed feeling okay since I had watch some videos in the library last night before going home. However, I started feeling like a blank slate. Just like clinical practice. I just. clueless. Was waiting for instructions to do things step by step. It was terrifying and I definitely felt like shit. Useless. Like that child who is waiting for her mom to move her hands and feet. Or like that girl who kept waiting for that uncle to get her a chair as he dropped her in a chinese school class room but never did. She just stood there, with her hands over her eyes and started tearing up. To this day, she does not understand why the teacher did not realize sooner and saved her from all that embarrassment. Being brave…takes courage. Some days, courage is harder to find. Some days, it doesn’t even require courage. My partner did most of the bed bath. Like everything. I just stood there and maybe pulled up a pant or two. It was only when our patient started needing to void did I finally did some sort of peri cleaning. Like just wipe bums. I unfortunately was not prepared for gloves or ready to get the materials since I forgot where things were. So, nts: briefs, garbage bag, caviel wipes: outside patient’s room., toothbrush, toothpaste, kidney basin, urinal, handwipes: equipment room, the other things such as syringes, suction tubes, suction bag, in the other equipment room, the laundry room: clean towels, warm peri-wipes (remember to refill a new one after you use one!/ blue is for shower. purple, can also use), then there is the disposal room: mastiraid machine. step on it! ONLY things that can be broken down into the machine. garbage into garbage. yep yep…. Ok.

^ that was good reflection. My lack of memory. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I improve and work better and be better. I still love the job and although I do feel …quesy as I enter the hospital, I know it is because I am unprepared and lacking. I still have the heart, but maybe a more discipline heart is required to be a good nurse. I need to be properly train. Seeing my partner’s heart and desire and passion to want to do more than the care aid position they have had previously, I am proud and I desire to be just like them. This is the time when I should be putting all my heart and energy on yet I am not quite there yet. This is a gift from God. Last week, I felt like God had spoken to me several time.

As I was driving to school, I kept wondering, what is it that I can do as I desire for this career. Is this the right path? What am I suppose to be aiming for. I kept thinking about the different children that are going through suffering. The people who cannot go home, the people who are forced to migrate and find refugee. What about them? It was at that moment where I felt like I heard him say: take care of them. Care for them. I dont think those were the exact words or perhaps it was. I was too shock.

I also had a few nightmares.

actually had like 3.5 nightmares in my 20 min nap. First one, I had an argument with a friend, MG, about how rude she was so I wasn’t going to drive her home but really, I was waiting for her outside..this took place at the Rupert home , second, I was driving around hasting but suddenly the road stopped and was blocked but I missed it and as I was swerving, the road I was on started to just end as if I was merging into a road but there was no road for me to merge into.. and third, that nothing road then forced me to fall into a lake and I knew I was suppose to roll my window down immediately but my car had no electrical power to push the windows down…& so I was stuck in my car and you know how sometimes you wake up and try to sleep and try to change the dream, well I tried..this time I got the windows down but as I was trying to swim up, my foot was caught by seat belt..no matter how hard I tried to shake it, I couldn’t and after many times, I was still at that lake..& I started viewing it 3rd person view and was just thinking how sad it was because no one would pass by and no one knew I had died..

yahhh anyways. study time!

 

Day 48: Our Time

Our Time is a Taiwanese Coming of age movie. Really has me thinking of when I was young-ish. hehe. Everything was quite simple and the things I had needed to think was quite minimal in comparison to now. Small things would have been magnified and my entire day would be surrounded by these magnified small events. Such as if my lang zai gor gor took the same bus as me, whether he was with his friends or not, whether he was walking the quick route or not, whether we would “bump” into each other at the same entrance or not, whether we would pass each other in hall way, would eye contacts be made? Same with friendships – who am I to eat with today, did I just have an argument with my bff who seems to no longer want to be bff with me…all these things were the centre of my world at my youth age. My emotions were magnified; my events were magnified.

Now, the world has shrunk me. Everything outside of me seem so big and everything I do and feel all seem so minimal. As if they do not play much of a role in this big big world. Even though I know better – that each of us like mustard seed are capable of growth! Some days, this is easy to say but on days where I feel so weak and worthless, these negative thoughts would creep into every crooks and cranny.

Thoughts as I am aging:
Spiritual growth – can this type of growth be applied to my life? Am I living two separate lives where I am a Christian, and a citizen of this earth? Am I allowing the Holy Spirit into my life? Am I being in solitude or am I just being lonely? Am I being active in allowing the Holy Spirit take control and guide me to whatever paths planned out for me?

School / Career goals – 24! If 4-year school is in the plan, I would be 28! I am so old in comparison to all the students at school…however, am I being active in this goal? Am I being idle. IDLE : not working, not being used, lazy – without purpose or effect; pointless. me.

Money: I have enough. I am satisfied but it is wise to be careful with finance and not greed for more than required. It all depends on who I am comparing my life with. If I am comparing it to other low-income families, my family is quite wealthy and may seem like we have much. However, if I am comparing it to another family who belong in prestigious and exclusive class clubs, then I am just a scrub. It also relies on how important money & status to me. How about pride? It’s good to reflect on this every so often. I think money is important and is useful but it has the potential to do harm as well.

Song is by Hebe Tien for Our Times.

Day 47: reassurance

reassurance = the action of removing someone’s doubts or fears – google

today was one of those days where I feel unsure even when I was correct and in the rights.

somebody was trying to use me to push someone off the cliff – figuratively-ish. However, I was like “NO!” – indirectly.

I felt uncomfortable being placed in that position but as I shared my story today with a good buddy, they gave me reassurance that I needed.
“you did what was right – dont betray your integrity and consciousness for something like that”

my praise-prayer got deleted / never got posted however, I would like to repeat it.
Thank God for giving me opportunity to experience the different type of people. For allowing me to mature and to seek for help when I needed. Thank you for being patient with me and showing me mercy; I am so undeserving of your love yet you still place different people in my life – to show me the reassurance that I needed and that I am not to forget the Christ-like lessons I have been taught. So I thank you and I pray that I can continue to live a life where I am wise in all I do, say, and think.

seems quite appropriate to place Michael Jackson’s classic hit song: Man in the Mirror

Changes start with one; changes starts with me. every emotion I feel in different situation depends on how I see it and how I respond. 

You know that saying..or you may not know: tears are like car wipers, after you cry for whatever had happened to you, you can finally see clearer.

carriehohoho OUT.

Day 46: to be continued…

“to be continued…” – reminds me of watching Pokemon and at the end of every episode at the corner of the last scene where Ash and friends walk towards a sunset, there is this quote.

Isn’t it interesting how often time, we can pick up from where we left off and just continue? This can be applied to friendship as well. BUT, may not apply to all friendships.

Good to be realistic at times. This december was quite kind to me. 2017, please continue to show your grace and kindness. 🙂

Would I ever complete 100 days worth of post? Let’s hope so! 🙂

carriehohoho OUT.

Day 45:

You know how many people say that the most dangerous place is usually the safest place. The same can be applied the other way around.

A mother who you should feel the most safe with can also be the one who hurts you the very most. A dark cave that seems to hold the scariest monster can also be the safe hideaway from the real monster.

In other words, what is safe and what is dangerous can never be determined on a superficial level. It must be tried over and over again.

Lately, I have been spending a bit more time with my mother and man is it really testing my patience. My mother use to be super chill to be with even just last year…suddenly, she has these on and off moments. We started to have these on and off moments. It has really been so tough to handle those moments where the abrupt changes occurs. Some days, I can be prepared for them but on days where they come so unexpectedly, that is when I fear my mother.

No child should ever fear their mother..but there are definitely days where I feel like she is becoming someone I have never met. It’s when we stop trying to love each other…that I feel so worried…that perhaps we might really end up despising each other.

I do not want that to happen. So at the current moment, all I am trying to do is to love her as her. As my mother, as a daughter of God, as my sister in Christ. On bad days, that is as much as I could love her as. If I hold her accountable to her character traits during the off days…I don’t even know.

This strain is tiring me out. Once I have the idea where we are back to a good page, a new storm comes by that brings us back to the ripped pages. Sigh..I will end it at here.

D-44

Posted these pictures yesterday but was too tired…and now it’s 1:45am of the next day. APRIL 2nd now…yea. what is a meal without mama nagging on how unhealthy ramen is……he he he…and had this at midnight too. image

I still managed to wake up to make breakfast.but those cheese in fish ball burn my tongue! ><‘ hopefully i didn’t kill any nerves or anything like that…anyways.

image

Learn a good lesson of what God’s will is. As i am very short for time, I will just be simply writing two things that I have taken from today’s bible study.
1) God’s will is not a roadmap. It wouldn’t necessarily tell us to do what or to go where…
2) God’s will is more of how willing we are to let God transform us.
– What is our motivation that pushes us?
– What is our attitudes in our speech/actions?

ANYWAYS, beebeebum is over at my house.

tomorrow is dinner with the HO family. lol. let’s hope it goes well. Let me show love to them like how God has shown his love to me. AMEN.

CARRIEHOHOHO.