Day 51:

it’s close to the end of semester one and I have one more class until i have to go spartan mode on studying for my finals. eeks. only 7 people showed up to our last relational practice class. I woke up at 8:20 but still wanted to show up to prove that i have the heart to show up for class. / i wanted to keep a good impression on my instructor..not sure how much that mattered.

reflection: i went to a counselling meeting to talk about my anxiety. it was nerve wrecking…lol but i went. and cried in front of a stranger lol. talked about how when i met that blockage..that burnt out day.

Oct. 26.17 felt like i had to use every single will power to go into clinical. quote: “i’m having a horrible morning..I’m so tired and feeling so unhappy. Just. Yah. It’s hard right now” @ 5:43am quote: “giving this day to God and letting him push me on cause i have absolutely no will to go forth with today. it’s all on Him.” @5:56.

those were the message i had with the Wus. it took a lot of courage to show my vulnerable side to them. and i was hoping to get some sort of comfort. I got a bit. but at that time, it was of no use to me. I kept praying and praying..but i felt hopeless.

I ended up making lots of mistakes that day. It was my first time working on a patient on my own. 26. my patient was on cytotoxic precaution. she had RA, and chronic COPD, history of pneumonia, and we were confused as she use to use a ceiling lift but they decided that she’s a 2PA. and tbh, she definitely wasn’t. she was tired. i placed the bed pan at the incorrect direction. and i did not have all my supplies ready as i was donning and doffing again and again. so i was not prepared.

then the next week was med for our patients. I was NOT prepared. on the thursday, i called in for diarrhea. but reality, i was just feeling so crazy nervous, i couldn’t move. it’s crazy how nerves take over your life. this anxiety just dragged out and out for 3 entire weeks. it was soul drenching.

At that time, it was dark moments of being away from God too. I think my prayers were empty and …idk. I really can’t properly think where I was with God at that time.

I hope to walk closer to Him. I pray to be walking with him like how I see some people at church are walking with him.

yep yep.

anyways, time to go full study mode on. ><”’

– crashing out. carriehohoho.

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