Day 45:

You know how many people say that the most dangerous place is usually the safest place. The same can be applied the other way around.

A mother who you should feel the most safe with can also be the one who hurts you the very most. A dark cave that seems to hold the scariest monster can also be the safe hideaway from the real monster.

In other words, what is safe and what is dangerous can never be determined on a superficial level. It must be tried over and over again.

Lately, I have been spending a bit more time with my mother and man is it really testing my patience. My mother use to be super chill to be with even just last year…suddenly, she has these on and off moments. We started to have these on and off moments. It has really been so tough to handle those moments where the abrupt changes occurs. Some days, I can be prepared for them but on days where they come so unexpectedly, that is when I fear my mother.

No child should ever fear their mother..but there are definitely days where I feel like she is becoming someone I have never met. It’s when we stop trying to love each other…that I feel so worried…that perhaps we might really end up despising each other.

I do not want that to happen. So at the current moment, all I am trying to do is to love her as her. As my mother, as a daughter of God, as my sister in Christ. On bad days, that is as much as I could love her as. If I hold her accountable to her character traits during the off days…I don’t even know.

This strain is tiring me out. Once I have the idea where we are back to a good page, a new storm comes by that brings us back to the ripped pages. Sigh..I will end it at here.