Day 72:

Some of the goals made since earlier time…such as working on being on time. brushing teeth. being productive x hrs per day, waking up as schedule. I guess it’s true, after 3 months or so of it, they become your regular habits. Though I do sometimes not brush my teeth at night, it isn’t difficult to get back to it when I know I should brush it at night.

Therefore, it’s time to add some new habits.
brainstorm:
– daily prayer
– set bedtime (set it the morning of. similar to setting an alarm clock for the morning)
– meet step count
– journal

Been Listening to Dana Williams
Fooling Myself

It took a lot to introduce myself
I had to put my heart up on the shelf
I didn’t know that it could be so hard

That night I got home, I was all alone
And left to wonder about the great unknown
Oh, was it love or was I fooling myself

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by
Or am I fooling myself
Fooling myself
Fooling mysel

So I tried not to give into the silly games but I’m stuck to you
And I hope that your words are true
Here I am, I’m waiting full of fear
Cus’ I know that love comes and disappears

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by
Or am I fooling myself
Fooling myself
Fooling myself

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by

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Day 71:

It’s so easy to be a despicable person. Look how glorified it is – minions. lol.

in reality, even the most despicable person wants love and they are like that because they have experienced a situation which caused them to lose that sight.

I can be a despicable person. I perhaps am a despicable person to some already. To some, I do not care if that is what they think of me. However, to the people I love and care for, it matters to me. However, if they continue to choose to view me in that perspective, what can I do but accept the fact? Perhaps…if that is what they think I am, then who am I to say I am not? Those who see me most clearly is giving me that label. Who am I to say otherwise? It is not a label that I can determine but it is a label that is given out from others.

For example. Kindness. You can say someone is kind but to call yourself a kind person just is not right. Correct? Is that not similar to the lesson we were taught that we can never judge someone. Whether they are bad, you shouldn’t say they are bad because who are you to judge whether they are bad? Likewise, with goodness, you cannot be the one to judge whether that person is good because again, who are you to claim someone is good.

Hmm. So i guess the conclusion is, only God knows.

Part B:

Sometimes, the people that you think cares about you…don’t. Perhaps they just don’t fully understand you or fully know you…which in reality, who other than God fully knows and understand us? nope. none.

We are often so selfish. Only thinking about ourselves..our families, our kins, our mother and fathers, our sisters and brothers….but what about the sister that is not related to us by blood? What do we think about them? – This world we live in… it’s different from the life that is in God. When our eyes are open and we recognize that…and then LIVE IT OUT. wow. it’s crazy. and… the things that were once concerns are no more. So yah.

Dang…many of these thoughts are coming to a conclusion rather quickly. lol.

to add to my collection..there are days where I can express myself..which I am glad. so let me add this:

If you guys are not taking her lol:

words like these can be easy triggers for me…i just want to confront this because I am hoping that you did not intended to say this in a mean way. However, I have had too many situations where people talk like this to me in attempts to make me feel bad and make me label myself as an uncaring person…which i guess in this situation, it could look like that. hm. what am i trying to say.. perhaps this is your way of talking to your sisters who are are daughters of your mother..but I am not her daughter nor have i felt like she ever played the role of being a mom to me..so tbh, i should not have to feel that sort of obligation when situations like this arise.. i like her. and i hope to also pass the same respect towards her as I would to any of my aunts, a little more because she is the mother of my closest cousins.. but yah. anyways. just want to pass that on and hopefully I can make myself clear….. bleh.

 

– crashingout.

Day 70:

We’re reaching closer to the 100 milestone. FINALLY.

lol.

My incapability of being with the crowd. I dislike noisy crowds. Have I been heavily scarred???

Even if I’m with a group of “friends”, i feel like scandals can be formed…
So when V told me that she finds it hard to be an introvert, I go on and reflect on how difficult it is for me to be an extrovert.

I can try, but it drains me. I enjoy it…but it drains me and I often crash as all my fear and negativity builds up after these socials. One on Ones are good for me. They strengthen me – most of the time. However, when there is more than one, it’s tough. & i hate that I am like this. I don’t wish to be this way. What’s wrong with me? I dont know.

:T

Been fan-girling over u-know yunho. lol. He looks cool and harden..and perhaps over all the events during his life as a celebrity, maybe he had. however, he still has a sweet laughter, a kind smile, and a spirit full of passion and determination; good traits that I too want to follow. hmm.

– crashingout.

Day 69

wow.
as of now, what i find most attractive is when someone is independent.

through our conversation over yummy korean food at tabom, M & I was talking about what the limit of dating someone younger than us. As we talked more and I reflected on younger guys, I realized that even though I may be attracted to them, I could not think of them any further than that. While thinking why that was, I realized that I needed someone who is independent and is capable of surviving on their own.

Upon recognition of this, I realized that I really don’t like anyone so far and even the one that I thought perhaps I may like, it was only because they are “independent”.

le sigh.

Am i never going to date and get married if my standard was simply that. Hopefully this is temporary…and I could go on and meet awesome people who also loves God AND is a independent person. That would be quite ideal. 🙂

Met with my bew jehhhh today ❤ happy to see that she’s alive and relyin on God.

– crashingout.

Day 68:

To wake up daily and:
– be thankful for each new day & the breaths we can take & awake.
(hopefully i can also bring that attitude to my sleeping habits as well)
– reminded of my goals:
1. complete something. especially something important: finishing school; nursing school
2. bring this to the perspective of the end-stage: to do all things in the glory of God’s name & will.  (whether I am correct, that I can’t say for sure)
– finally: I need my Lord, my Jesus, my Christ, my Saviour, my God, my Holy Spirit in all I do to truly and fully live. 
– crashingout.

Day 67:

Good to remember some good and awesome instructors:
– those who encourage you to fight for your own education & rights
– those who are wiling to find ways to support you: give you realistic alternatives & prepare you for the worst just in case.
For the honesty that she brought with her, I was thankful and i hope that I too can bring that to my own kids as I meet them at their level.

Even kids at gr.5 deal with grief & pain in their own way. They can deal it with anger, frustration, hopelessness. It’s their way of dealing with it and the best I can do is respect them for it while caring that their well beings are met.

So now I’m left with thoughts of today.

There are two location that I find difficult to enter.
1. that home.
2. that school.

– crashingout.

Day 66

There are often words or phrases that I want to remember.

Instructors who goes: I only want you to succeed.

but reality, are they?

I mean, bigger pictures, yes they are. But at that moment of evaluation, are you really? Why does it not feel like so?

My clinical group came up with a i guess complain letter and submitted it to the dean regarding our clinical instructor who made this trip a lot more difficult than it needed to be. However, I am sort of wondering if that was the correct move now. I don’t quite know but at that time, it did.

Mino & Winner: Have a nice day
A song written for his friend who passed away from a car accident.
“If I had known that was the last time, I would have said good-bye”
So often we don’t get to say the proper good byes to people who have passed away. How much pain does that bring to someone? A song that tells their loved one to have a nice day in heaven. That only works if that person had been accepted to heaven (the utopia while awaiting the final judgement). But…and it had been eating at me for the longest time. When my uncle was still here…mom said I should work harder to share the gospel to him and let him see how alive Jesus is…yet I didn’t. The only thing i was able to do was justify why his kids were going to church. I was being selfish and greedy. During the time that he was still here, I wanted him to be with me. All those years of not living with him and him always at work, and then him sick, I just wanted to be in his presence. But instead, if he did not accepted Jesus…then that means I will never see him again.

This morning, I was mourning for all the different types of death. Cancerous, accidental, intentional, suicidal, unfair. – but i should be thankful for the peaceful ones too…but it just seems that the number of those are quite out numbered…& it aches my heart.

Been watching BoA on #Keyword. This hardworking girl at the age of 12? 15? Where does she get all that flame from? God? Greed? Strong desires? hm. I’m envious of that continuous fire. I have not even done 1/10th of what she has accomplished. I’m trying hard not to compare, but that’s difficult.

– crashingout.