Day 77:

at cubicle #70.

thinking of lent:
– give up meat (excluding fish): discipline.
– no phone in the morning; replace it with God.

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day 76:

discovery:

bullet journal!
Had kbbq with mellllll & linda last night. Good chat. We’re so different! haha.
L: 20, smallest, innocent.
M: 29, oldest, minimalist, passionate.
C: 25, middle, curious, & lazy. hahahaha

Was so exhausted today..crappy day at YVR.

Honestly debating… should i keep this job or not? Not quite ready to let go just yet…but so many signs to let go.
1. right when i got the job, so many disapproval: mom, hannah, gloria, abi.
2. mom’s continuous dislike for this job.
3. exhaustion.
4. even though i like my crew…it’s a gossip fest. & not everyone has the same work ethic. but that’s anywhere!
& i hate the hierarchy world. Our pay is not too off from one another, but i dislike the fact that there is this invisible seniority type of respect we need to give to those whose position is higher than ours. ex. SA, KH, Sups, managers.
What would it look at a health care setting. student nurse, new nurse, senior nurse, specialty nurses, docs. How do I handle that?
At least as of now, I see these people as my teachers, those who are suppose to give me guidance but at the same time, my teammates. However, I could also see how it can turn into this messy hierarchy event as well in a hospital. Need to work on humbling myself.
(may i simply blame it on  my period for all these emotions? perhaps i would.)
5. takes up my time. With work in “the way”, I am more limited in what I can do with my life. In addition to the slight obligation to help out with our family business, plus this job, i am quite limited with reviewing for this upcoming semester PLUS all the distracting things that I am already doing: drama, movies, hang out, sleep (i sleep a lot!!), follow winner, variety shows, etc…
6. Feeling of helplessness of how unfair this society is. Some could afford 15,000 dollar bags, even lower ones such as 75$ bags. Yet, that can be some people’s meal cost for the entire week or even month/s! This frustrates me. & I am contributing to this system by persuading others to participate in it. Going back to the horrible cycle of: rich gets richer, middle and lower class remains or even goes lower and feeds the rich and their little rich ones who grows up thinking that this is the norm.
segway: this goes to the topic Mary and I had. What if the person had only known this lifestyle for the entire life. are they really in the wrong? Even after they are aware of this situation that their perspective of the world is not the same for everyone else, and if they continue to live the “luxury” lifestyle, are they wrong?
imo, i believe that if you are aware…we need to do something. but…the question is, what do we do to be a real change?

I’ve recent been listening to a 3 part pod cast that talks about the topic, white saviour syndrome. It resolves around the topic that “poor countries” such as Africa, Asia, Southeast Asia do not need someone to save them. That they (the whites) need to acknowledge that they have actually been the problem and have not actually been helping with the much needed progress for the country that these organization claims to be saving/helping. What seems to be ways to solve this problem is:
1. acknowledge that such a problem occurs
2. don’t be a part of the problem.
i) don’t participate in such mission (ex. create a water well for the summer)
ii) don’t be silent about the problem
iii) support the local people instead of supporting organization that works simply as a 3rd party
3. ask yourself why you are going on such a  mission
4. ask yourself, are you doing what you want to do on that mission at your own local settings? are you supporting your own community?
5. create a platform for others to speak. shut up when you need to. listen when spoken to.

tired of blogging. peace out for now.

crashing out!

Day 75:

When you get ask: what is your calling.

Currently:

working on being trained:
– willpower (there’s a daily limit: so use it wisely)
– discipline
– how to be a teacher
– how to be a student
– how to care for others
– how to love others
– how to be loved by others
– how to trust others
– how to receive trust from others
– how to be a nurse

 

Day 74:

So I came to recognize that my mother and I are sharing a toxic relationship.

She’s ill, mentally ill. & there isn’t quite much I can do.

I feed into the cycle by reacting the way she wants..& at the same time, as I’m coming to recognize how unhealthy all this is, I am not reacting the way she wants to.
Which ends up hurting her…but it’s also how I can survive.

Where can we see the happy ending in this story?

 

Day 73:

getting close. but what am i getting out of all of this?
how much have i grown since day 1?

my faith is still small even with the “knowledge” i have obtained that feels like I haven’t obtained much actually if that makes any actual sense.

My addiction to things i should not be has remained.

My trust towards my loved ones are wavered more than ever which enforces the idea of whether I can be loved and loved at the same time when i had this entire philosophy of how we were created to love and to be loved…… how can i preach and do as this saying goes?

This summer, i had the opportunity to work with seniors who had lived amazing lives, who endured horrifying situations, who loved and hated many…who have been loved and been hated by many.

So i hope when I see them again this Saturday for thanksgiving, I can find some healing that I need right now. Yes. I need to find it in God. But I can’t. God works in people, through people, with people. I need it. Is this what people call a low? I mean, every tough situation is a lowest of your low isn’t it because if it wasn’t lower than your previous low, then can it still be considered a low because in reality, anything less than your previous low is can be factually considered as a high.

I watched many youtube video last night of MC Jin passing onto his testimony, his life story, his goals. He shared his highs which ended up actually being his low. At the low, he was drifting in the mass sea, with the waters going up to his eyes, above his eyes. & as logs drift by, he grasp onto them, as tightly as he can. His no regrets through all of these hardships. His love for his family, his love for his Creator. I hope to receive that too.

Yesterday, I met a Thai girl who was on her way to a wedding in mexico, she’s currently going to school here. Her name is Eve, and we are the same age. Let’s hope I dont get in trouble for passing my contact,,,cuz other people have done it too…..bleh. I dont know, shall we keep in touch? Perhaps I can try it out. Why was she placed there…

apparently i stopped typing after this…

Day 72:

Some of the goals made since earlier time…such as working on being on time. brushing teeth. being productive x hrs per day, waking up as schedule. I guess it’s true, after 3 months or so of it, they become your regular habits. Though I do sometimes not brush my teeth at night, it isn’t difficult to get back to it when I know I should brush it at night.

Therefore, it’s time to add some new habits.
brainstorm:
– daily prayer
– set bedtime (set it the morning of. similar to setting an alarm clock for the morning)
– meet step count
– journal

Been Listening to Dana Williams
Fooling Myself

It took a lot to introduce myself
I had to put my heart up on the shelf
I didn’t know that it could be so hard

That night I got home, I was all alone
And left to wonder about the great unknown
Oh, was it love or was I fooling myself

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by
Or am I fooling myself
Fooling myself
Fooling mysel

So I tried not to give into the silly games but I’m stuck to you
And I hope that your words are true
Here I am, I’m waiting full of fear
Cus’ I know that love comes and disappears

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by
Or am I fooling myself
Fooling myself
Fooling myself

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by

Day 71:

It’s so easy to be a despicable person. Look how glorified it is – minions. lol.

in reality, even the most despicable person wants love and they are like that because they have experienced a situation which caused them to lose that sight.

I can be a despicable person. I perhaps am a despicable person to some already. To some, I do not care if that is what they think of me. However, to the people I love and care for, it matters to me. However, if they continue to choose to view me in that perspective, what can I do but accept the fact? Perhaps…if that is what they think I am, then who am I to say I am not? Those who see me most clearly is giving me that label. Who am I to say otherwise? It is not a label that I can determine but it is a label that is given out from others.

For example. Kindness. You can say someone is kind but to call yourself a kind person just is not right. Correct? Is that not similar to the lesson we were taught that we can never judge someone. Whether they are bad, you shouldn’t say they are bad because who are you to judge whether they are bad? Likewise, with goodness, you cannot be the one to judge whether that person is good because again, who are you to claim someone is good.

Hmm. So i guess the conclusion is, only God knows.

Part B:

Sometimes, the people that you think cares about you…don’t. Perhaps they just don’t fully understand you or fully know you…which in reality, who other than God fully knows and understand us? nope. none.

We are often so selfish. Only thinking about ourselves..our families, our kins, our mother and fathers, our sisters and brothers….but what about the sister that is not related to us by blood? What do we think about them? – This world we live in… it’s different from the life that is in God. When our eyes are open and we recognize that…and then LIVE IT OUT. wow. it’s crazy. and… the things that were once concerns are no more. So yah.

Dang…many of these thoughts are coming to a conclusion rather quickly. lol.

to add to my collection..there are days where I can express myself..which I am glad. so let me add this:

If you guys are not taking her lol:

words like these can be easy triggers for me…i just want to confront this because I am hoping that you did not intended to say this in a mean way. However, I have had too many situations where people talk like this to me in attempts to make me feel bad and make me label myself as an uncaring person…which i guess in this situation, it could look like that. hm. what am i trying to say.. perhaps this is your way of talking to your sisters who are are daughters of your mother..but I am not her daughter nor have i felt like she ever played the role of being a mom to me..so tbh, i should not have to feel that sort of obligation when situations like this arise.. i like her. and i hope to also pass the same respect towards her as I would to any of my aunts, a little more because she is the mother of my closest cousins.. but yah. anyways. just want to pass that on and hopefully I can make myself clear….. bleh.

 

– crashingout.