Day 73:

getting close. but what am i getting out of all of this?
how much have i grown since day 1?

my faith is still small even with the “knowledge” i have obtained that feels like I haven’t obtained much actually if that makes any actual sense.

My addiction to things i should not be has remained.

My trust towards my loved ones are wavered more than ever which enforces the idea of whether I can be loved and loved at the same time when i had this entire philosophy of how we were created to love and to be loved…… how can i preach and do as this saying goes?

This summer, i had the opportunity to work with seniors who had lived amazing lives, who endured horrifying situations, who loved and hated many…who have been loved and been hated by many.

So i hope when I see them again this Saturday for thanksgiving, I can find some healing that I need right now. Yes. I need to find it in God. But I can’t. God works in people, through people, with people. I need it. Is this what people call a low? I mean, every tough situation is a lowest of your low isn’t it because if it wasn’t lower than your previous low, then can it still be considered a low because in reality, anything less than your previous low is can be factually considered as a high.

I watched many youtube video last night of MC Jin passing onto his testimony, his life story, his goals. He shared his highs which ended up actually being his low. At the low, he was drifting in the mass sea, with the waters going up to his eyes, above his eyes. & as logs drift by, he grasp onto them, as tightly as he can. His no regrets through all of these hardships. His love for his family, his love for his Creator. I hope to receive that too.

Yesterday, I met a Thai girl who was on her way to a wedding in mexico, she’s currently going to school here. Her name is Eve, and we are the same age. Let’s hope I dont get in trouble for passing my contact,,,cuz other people have done it too…..bleh. I dont know, shall we keep in touch? Perhaps I can try it out. Why was she placed there…

apparently i stopped typing after this…

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Day 72:

Some of the goals made since earlier time…such as working on being on time. brushing teeth. being productive x hrs per day, waking up as schedule. I guess it’s true, after 3 months or so of it, they become your regular habits. Though I do sometimes not brush my teeth at night, it isn’t difficult to get back to it when I know I should brush it at night.

Therefore, it’s time to add some new habits.
brainstorm:
– daily prayer
– set bedtime (set it the morning of. similar to setting an alarm clock for the morning)
– meet step count
– journal

Been Listening to Dana Williams
Fooling Myself

It took a lot to introduce myself
I had to put my heart up on the shelf
I didn’t know that it could be so hard

That night I got home, I was all alone
And left to wonder about the great unknown
Oh, was it love or was I fooling myself

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by
Or am I fooling myself
Fooling myself
Fooling mysel

So I tried not to give into the silly games but I’m stuck to you
And I hope that your words are true
Here I am, I’m waiting full of fear
Cus’ I know that love comes and disappears

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by
Or am I fooling myself
Fooling myself
Fooling myself

And I hope that time doesn’t pass us by

Day 71:

It’s so easy to be a despicable person. Look how glorified it is – minions. lol.

in reality, even the most despicable person wants love and they are like that because they have experienced a situation which caused them to lose that sight.

I can be a despicable person. I perhaps am a despicable person to some already. To some, I do not care if that is what they think of me. However, to the people I love and care for, it matters to me. However, if they continue to choose to view me in that perspective, what can I do but accept the fact? Perhaps…if that is what they think I am, then who am I to say I am not? Those who see me most clearly is giving me that label. Who am I to say otherwise? It is not a label that I can determine but it is a label that is given out from others.

For example. Kindness. You can say someone is kind but to call yourself a kind person just is not right. Correct? Is that not similar to the lesson we were taught that we can never judge someone. Whether they are bad, you shouldn’t say they are bad because who are you to judge whether they are bad? Likewise, with goodness, you cannot be the one to judge whether that person is good because again, who are you to claim someone is good.

Hmm. So i guess the conclusion is, only God knows.

Part B:

Sometimes, the people that you think cares about you…don’t. Perhaps they just don’t fully understand you or fully know you…which in reality, who other than God fully knows and understand us? nope. none.

We are often so selfish. Only thinking about ourselves..our families, our kins, our mother and fathers, our sisters and brothers….but what about the sister that is not related to us by blood? What do we think about them? – This world we live in… it’s different from the life that is in God. When our eyes are open and we recognize that…and then LIVE IT OUT. wow. it’s crazy. and… the things that were once concerns are no more. So yah.

Dang…many of these thoughts are coming to a conclusion rather quickly. lol.

to add to my collection..there are days where I can express myself..which I am glad. so let me add this:

If you guys are not taking her lol:

words like these can be easy triggers for me…i just want to confront this because I am hoping that you did not intended to say this in a mean way. However, I have had too many situations where people talk like this to me in attempts to make me feel bad and make me label myself as an uncaring person…which i guess in this situation, it could look like that. hm. what am i trying to say.. perhaps this is your way of talking to your sisters who are are daughters of your mother..but I am not her daughter nor have i felt like she ever played the role of being a mom to me..so tbh, i should not have to feel that sort of obligation when situations like this arise.. i like her. and i hope to also pass the same respect towards her as I would to any of my aunts, a little more because she is the mother of my closest cousins.. but yah. anyways. just want to pass that on and hopefully I can make myself clear….. bleh.

 

– crashingout.

Day 70:

We’re reaching closer to the 100 milestone. FINALLY.

lol.

My incapability of being with the crowd. I dislike noisy crowds. Have I been heavily scarred???

Even if I’m with a group of “friends”, i feel like scandals can be formed…
So when V told me that she finds it hard to be an introvert, I go on and reflect on how difficult it is for me to be an extrovert.

I can try, but it drains me. I enjoy it…but it drains me and I often crash as all my fear and negativity builds up after these socials. One on Ones are good for me. They strengthen me – most of the time. However, when there is more than one, it’s tough. & i hate that I am like this. I don’t wish to be this way. What’s wrong with me? I dont know.

:T

Been fan-girling over u-know yunho. lol. He looks cool and harden..and perhaps over all the events during his life as a celebrity, maybe he had. however, he still has a sweet laughter, a kind smile, and a spirit full of passion and determination; good traits that I too want to follow. hmm.

– crashingout.

Day 69

wow.
as of now, what i find most attractive is when someone is independent.

through our conversation over yummy korean food at tabom, M & I was talking about what the limit of dating someone younger than us. As we talked more and I reflected on younger guys, I realized that even though I may be attracted to them, I could not think of them any further than that. While thinking why that was, I realized that I needed someone who is independent and is capable of surviving on their own.

Upon recognition of this, I realized that I really don’t like anyone so far and even the one that I thought perhaps I may like, it was only because they are “independent”.

le sigh.

Am i never going to date and get married if my standard was simply that. Hopefully this is temporary…and I could go on and meet awesome people who also loves God AND is a independent person. That would be quite ideal. 🙂

Met with my bew jehhhh today ❤ happy to see that she’s alive and relyin on God.

– crashingout.

Day 68:

To wake up daily and:
– be thankful for each new day & the breaths we can take & awake.
(hopefully i can also bring that attitude to my sleeping habits as well)
– reminded of my goals:
1. complete something. especially something important: finishing school; nursing school
2. bring this to the perspective of the end-stage: to do all things in the glory of God’s name & will.  (whether I am correct, that I can’t say for sure)
– finally: I need my Lord, my Jesus, my Christ, my Saviour, my God, my Holy Spirit in all I do to truly and fully live. 
– crashingout.

Day 67:

Good to remember some good and awesome instructors:
– those who encourage you to fight for your own education & rights
– those who are wiling to find ways to support you: give you realistic alternatives & prepare you for the worst just in case.
For the honesty that she brought with her, I was thankful and i hope that I too can bring that to my own kids as I meet them at their level.

Even kids at gr.5 deal with grief & pain in their own way. They can deal it with anger, frustration, hopelessness. It’s their way of dealing with it and the best I can do is respect them for it while caring that their well beings are met.

So now I’m left with thoughts of today.

There are two location that I find difficult to enter.
1. that home.
2. that school.

– crashingout.